… and thirds, fourths and fifths
Heartbroken, once, twice, countless of times. What then? What makes you come back for more? I asked that question more than a decade ago. The answer I came up with was the most terrible and disastrous answer I had ever came up with.
Having lost all hope, I settled.
I had a grand plan of a happy-ever-after, I was working with a timeframe, heck, I always make things happen. So, I made up my mind that whatever and however it was, I was going to make my relationship work. That was it, he was it.
Of course, I fooled myself and really believed I could do it alone. So I did, I chose to ignore the very disturbing signs, I chose to extend myself, stretch myself to accommodate, that which should not have been.
In the beginning it was a fairytale. It was because I made it up.
I vanished, I dissolved all for the sake of a relationship.
Funny, a psychologist just said matter-of-factly, you could have just stopped. You could have just said NO to getting married. Hindsight is always 20/20.
The problem is not that relationship ended, the problem is I dissolved. I barely know who I am anymore, much less trust who I am now, even imagine what good could I possibly do.
I vanished. The saddest part is, I barely can even remember who I was. It was not his fault. It was all mine, and that is the kicker.
Of course, with the vaguest memory of that warrior woman inside. I now choose to trudge on. To dare laugh against the odds, against the perception of others, against what is expected of me.
After all, the one thing I can remember is that I can make anything happen. So I’m betting everything I have, however long it takes to UNdissolve the ME I had willingly dissolved.
This is by no way a foolproof plan, but this is the only one I’ve got.
Yes, the hardest single step I had to take. This is the simplest and I had this one down pat early on. I’m one of those people who can see the problem and all energies go to the solution. I knew that the only thing I can possibly change are those which I allow myself to finally see.
There is no prince charming coming to my rescue, I rescue myself, that was all there is to it. I am exhausting all means to do it. I am not doing it alone though. I seek help and guidance where I see it would most answer what I need answering.
By accepting my hand in it then I have the power to change what I want to change. Remain a victim and I can only hide in my corner until somebody saves me.
But, this is easier said than done. Yes, I slide back. I have been on this for the last 2 years. It is not yet easy.
So I forgot who I was. So I lost faith in what I am, what I can do. It showed, I am more than two steps back from where I was four years ago. I still berate myself for being so slow. I still beat myself up for “failing”.
But through it all I force myself to move. To rediscover or even, dare I say it, create anew, not just to recreate.
If I was to imagine what my life is from hereon, why not let go of the limits that was there. Haven’t I been through enough that now there are no limits? The worst have happened, what is there left to be afraid of.
I have been hurt so many times, so now I can boldly own myself without permission from anyone else.
If this meant I enroll with a singing coach, I will. If this means I learn the violin or the piano, heck, why not. If this means, I take up pole dancing, hahaha who will stop me. If this means I create a new life…
That is the gift of this. To realize the only one stopping me is me.
Laugh again, do crazy things. Fail and laugh at my clumsiness in trying things unheard of for a 40 year old. I am given this chance to live again. I need to take the horns with both hands and ride that bull! Fall if I will, I just dust myself off again maybe until I get gored. Isn’t it that I’m dead anyway if I don’t.
This is the only thing that will gets me going through the darkest days and nights. I almost lost it… almost.
My ex once said these words that would cut across my heart more than anything he ever said. I was dreaming of things with my son, at the most trying period of our lives, I only had my stregth, faith, and hope to carry us through those days. But upon hearing our happy conversation, he had to say “Kaya mo ba yan?” in his most disagreeable tone.
So, with a final act of rebellion and stubbornness of someone who was bowed to submission and hope almost beaten out of one’s soul, I defiantly raise my head and say once again, Yes.
I was four years out of work. I left my business because I can no longer create the way I did. I lost my touch. I lost my spirit.
Trial and error, I have taken work when I can, what I can. I am lucky, like my brother would tell me, I can imagine my work and people can see it with me. That makes it a reality.
I almost lost that, but I am slowly finding that power again. I can just do what I can everyday. While praying that I get closer to that which I can be and do again with my spirit most alive.
I had an almost fatal accident in 2011, I fell down a flight of stairs with my children witnessing it. I heard my skull hit the hard tiled floor in the back stairs of a mall. Blood was coming out from somewhere I don’t know where. I felt my nose it was intact. I couldn’t open my eyes for long, I just couldn’t, I could only sneek a peek at my 6 and 8 year old and instruct them to look for my friend who we just left. I could only trust they will find their way, I couldn’t move from where I was. There were a couple who was the kindest souls I have ever come across, the man bought water and gently washed away the blood in my hands. Even at that time, all I could think about was Christ. Yes, I was raised a Catholic, I grew up with stories of how Christ is in everyone we meet.
I met him that day. And the angels were with us that day for my children.
It was bad, but I knew I was OK, when the paramedics told me with a very concerned voice, Maam I think your nose is broken. I could only reply, No, that is just how my nose is really. I couldn’t tell how they reacted to that. I knew I was OK, because I could see the humor in it.
Another funny yet sobering thought from that fall, I received a full blown cosmic slap if there ever was one. I was holding on to my ex like crazy. Trying to still make it work under the worst circumstance.
That day it was a clear realization. But it was my children who also put it into a better perspective. They would refer to that day as my RESTART.
Isn’t that the most wonderful term ever?
I dissolved almost to nothingness. It would take a lot of effort, faith and hope to find myself again. There are still very dark days, even darker than I have ever known. Too dark even to talk about. I am ashamed to how far down that path I can imagine it can go.
But, I am still lucky, I have seen and lived through some of the worst, so now everytime I fall, I slide back, I know I just have to press RESTART.
And, yes, I with heartfelt gratitude, I thank my ex because of him I am undissolving. We have never been so good together as we are now apart.